Red Green Insurance/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, as you get older you're faced with two choices... Either take down your full-length mirror, or buy a fitness machine. See, the beauty of a treadmill is when you get tired of walking, you don't have to worry about making it back home. You just stop walking. And start snacking. But after a week or so now, your wife and you have given up on lookin' good and you're stuck with the unit. Can't even give it away, because everyone you know already has one they're trying to unload. That's why they advertise it as "stores under the bed," because that's all you ever do with it... Unless, of course, you can turn it into something useful. First thing you have to do is remove the handle. Okay, next you wanna cover the belt with the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape, but you put it on sticky side out, so it's more like the handyman's secret flypaper. Oh, and get yourself one of these sand-filled ashtrays. They're kinda hard to come by with all the anti-smoking legislation. But you can usually find a couple of them in the hospital waiting room. Or maybe if you live near the beach you can get some sand from there. It'll probably have more cigarette butts in it. And there you have it... Your very own industrial-sized belt sander. [ cheers and applause ] all right. Thank you very much. Yeah, I appreciate that. Bit of a situation this week up at the lodge. The flagpole fell down. Well, okay, it was knocked down. Well, okay, I knocked it down. But she went down easy. I mean, I couldn't have been doin' over 50. Anyway, the pole flies across the lake like a javelin, and it hits old man sedgwick's car, which, ironically, is also a javelin, and the flag wraps around him like a diaper. Or, I should say, like another diaper. So what I've done is I've made a claim on the insurance company for a new flagpole. It was like 37 bucks! Which would use up the whole lodge kitty, plus we'd have to borrow another 30. Uncle red! Yeah? I just got the response from the insurance company. Doesn't look like a cheque, harold. No. They're not going to pay the $37, because it doesn't exceed our deductible. Well, what is our deductible? $10,000. $10,000 deductible!? Well, what's the lodge worth? Well, the land's worth about $100,000, you know -- wow! Yeah, oh, yeah. Then we've got the lodge and all the out buildings, and of course plus all the work that you've put in around here. And that brings it down to about $9500. Well, why would we have $10,000 deductible, on something that's only worth $9,500? Well, it's the only way we could get insurance. Well, we're not gonna do that anymore, harold. Oh, no, no, no! Don't tell me we're getting out of the insurance business. No, I'm gonna get into the insurance business. I'm gonna start my own insurance company. Yes, I'll insure the lodge. What the heck, eh, $10,000 deductible, I'll be making a fortune. And I'll tell you what else... I'll charge 10% less than the insurance company does now, so everybody's a winner. Wow! I'm a winner! No, no, no. No, you're the deductible. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's prize is this coupon for a hot air balloon ride over the port asbestos archery range. "duration of ride varies with... "competence of archers." all right, blair, cover our ears there. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get local snowmobile aficionado, blair cobden, to say this word... All right, winston. And... Go! Uh, okay, blair, remember you did that stunt where you took your snowmobile over the edge of rock reef point, caught the upside of the boathouse and landed on the toolshed, and everybody who saw it wanted to know, who's... Next. No, no, no, no. But you didn't try to blame anybody else. You said you were completely... Loaded. No, okay, no, but the machine was wrecked, the boathouse was on fire, but you went right up to that cop and you said, "I am..." canadian. [ laughter ] okay, okay, but... But you were accountable, you did it. You were... The man. All right, let's go another way. Let's say your girlfriend announces that she's pregnant. But you do the right thing. You go right to her dad and you tell him that you are... Gay. [ laughter ] almost outta time, here, red. Yeah. Okay, blair, when you train new snowmobilers, you teach 'em to be smart and... Plan your escape route. That way when you smash stuff, no one knows who's responsible. There we go! Before we tried it, our lives were a mess. The idea of even having company over sent me into a panic. I was so anxious I had to use the bathroom all the time. But I couldn't. It was hurting our marriage. It was hurting us! Both: Thank you, winston rothschild. Now we entertain, barbecues. Even chili! It's been pointed out to me that for one reason or another, a lot of the viewers are not exactly like me. Seems they don't have the wherewithal or the desire to do projects like making a reclining chair out of a stove. Does that make them useless drones who have no reason to live? Well, according to our public relations people, it's not for me to say. So this time on handyman corner, we're not gonna build something from scratch, 'cause apparently some of you aren't that itchy. Instead, we're gonna show you how to assemble a beautiful coffee table. It's from one of those stores where they make you do most of the work and then charge you for the privilege. I think it's from the same guy that invented self-serve gas. But it's a simple job, because all the pieces and hardware come in the one box. Maybe two or three boxes would have been a better move. Okay, now don't get upset if the furniture gets a few nicks and scratches during the unpacking process. Distressed furniture is very popular. Like I said, though, this is a simple project, because all the pieces come pre-cut and pre-drilled. You even get all the necessary hardware. Heck, it comes with detailed instructions. I believe this will be a swedish-style coffee table because it was a swedish store. I don't know why all the swedish stores sell their stuff in kit form, rather than make it for you. Maybe with the free love, the swedish furniture makers all go home early? Okay, we're ready to start assembling it. Just check the pre-drilled holes in the pre-fab pieces until you get a few to match up. There, that's better. Okay, now, just make sure that the screw isn't longer than the hole it's going into. Otherwise, the point will come out the other side, and that can be a real pain, especially if you're building a loveseat. Once you get the first two pieces together, just keep adding on until you run out of parts. If you run out of hardware, that's never a problem. Well, I got nothing to worry about. I got hardware left over. You know, that happens to me every time I put furniture together. But I got the coffee table put together no problem. Kind of an odd looking unit. It's that modern style of furniture that swedish people go for. Not really my taste, but then, I don't drive a volvo. And it's just that easy. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you put together. Oh! And if you ever need spare parts or have any problems. They usually put the company phone number and address on the bottom of the instruction sheet. Huh! Says here this is a bunk bed. [ applause ] the other day I went to the mall with bernice. Let's just say I lost a bet and leave it at that. Anyway, we're walkin' by this store and I see a pair of jeans for sale that were already faded and dirty and runnin' ragged at the cuff. And this wasn't a used clothing store, you understand. These were 100 bucks worth of brand new. I couldn't figure this out. I mean, imagine buying a new car with rust and dents and bullet holes in it -- that'd be kinda cool... Anyway. So I stopped the first teenager I saw, and I asked her to explain it. Well, I learned two things... Number 1: Kids in malls talk like merchant marines; number 2: These same kids will pay more for stuff that has that "lived-in" look, because lookin' "lived in" is cool. Well, that made me feel real good. I realised, hey, I'm not out, I'm in. Here's all of us middle aged guys checking out these teenagers with their smooth skin and full heads of purple hair and feeling jealous, when they should be jealous of us. We're the ones with that lived-in look. And we don't even need to wearin' clothes to pull it off! Heck, most of us are so lived in we're worn out. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] call rothschild's when you have the right stuff... In the wrong place. [ applause ] well, it's all done. I'm officially the insurer of the lodge. "red green insurance... "you're in calloused hands with rgi." uncle red! Yeah? Are you sure you've thought this through? No time for that at my age, harold. You know, the $10,000 deductible will only save you from paying property damage. You know, there's personal injury and accidental death that you're gonna have to worry about. Oh, no, harold, when a guy makes a decision to join the lodge, he's already an accident. If somebody dies, they're not gonna come lookin' for a cheque. No, no, they won't, but their lawyers will. That's why insurance is so expensive. Well, I don't have to worry about that. Oh, no? Yeah. Yeah. You know, uncle red, lawyers are smarter than you. Yeah, okay, well, when you're not smart enough to be a lawyer, you become a judge. And my judgment was to get all the guys to sign this waiver that guarantees they will never take legal action against me or the lodge. I need you to sign this too. You mind if I read it first? It never ends with you, does it, harold? Mr. Green, uh, I have an insurance claim. Oh, yeah? The outhouse door slammed against my knee. Well, that's what you get for sittin' down. Look, this is a serious accident here. I can't even do this, look. What's that worth? A little smile. Here it comes. [ applause ] red: It was a beautiful sunny day, so harold and walter had decided to take a little trip to the beach, get that tan thing goin' there. No problem with the u.V., but harold was socking the old cream on there pretty good. And then, uh, walter hit a bump or something, and, uh -- that was unfortunate. It was actually -- I believe that was a beach umbrella, which they had forgotten to put in the trunk. And, uh, walter was upset, a little bit angry. Harold, he's never angry, but sometimes he pretends to be. Then he pays the price. So walter opens the trunk, and there's a lot of stuff in there. So he starts chucking -- easy. Look out, harold. Look out. Look out. Look out, harold. Harold... Incoming! There you go. But what he doesn't find is a jack, so -- well, he's got a pretty heavy duty suitcase here. Maybe the suitcase could actually support the weight of the car. So he asked harold if he would lift up the car, and walter will slide the trunk underneath. So harold is pretty strong -- uh, stronger than his pants, for example. So now walter decides to change jobs. Oh, there's the problem there. Heh-heh, girly arms. So walter's gonna pick up the car, and harold will slide the suitcase under -- no, harold -- okay, no, okay. Harold, harold, he's holding the car up. It doesn't matter about the clo -- you don't need to fold them, harold! Just get -- harold, get the suit -- harold, the suitcase! Get the suitcase! Okay, they've got the suitcase in there, and oh, it's on his foot. Oh, it's okay. Of course, harold wants to apologize. Just get the suitcase under the car! Okay, but not there. Not there. All right, okay. Up on its end. There we go. Lookin' good. Lookin' good, yep. Now just set the car down on the suitcase, should be good, should be good. Down she goes, down, down, down. And good. Now, of course, the problem is, what are we gonna use for a spare? Harold has a suggestion... Hmm. I don't think so. Okay, what can they use as a spare? Gotta improvise. And he remembers there was a fire hose there on the wall and maybe if he took the whole reel and everything off, that would probably fit right on there. Uh, harold's not used to stealin' stuff. So they got it on there and now all you gotta do is fill the hose with water that'll actually create the tire, but you wanna turn that nozzle off there, harold. Okay, there's a lot of pressure there. Easy now, easy, easy, easy. Heh-heh, great to be young, isn't it? So he gets that on there, full of water, gets her all secured. And walter says, okay, just push her off the jack, and away we'll go. So harold's all set. And then give her a push. Oh! Okay, yeah. Away you go, harold away you go. Catch up to him. You can catch him. Away you go. Away you go. Enjoy your day. [ applause ] you know, one mark of a real creative person is the ability to take an unfortunate mistake and turn it into an incredible opportunity. Your wife knows what I'm talkin' about. So today I'm gonna show you how a handyman can turn a minor mishap into something the whole family can enjoy. Now, I know what you're asking. What mistake could you possibly have made? Drivin' without your glasses, right? Nope, I don't even wear glasses. The problem was building the garage ten feet too far forward. Okay, first step in creating an opportunity... Start up the car. Now you just drain the rad into the water gun here, and then just wait a few minutes for the engine to overheat. I don't see a mistake; I see your very own home sauna. It would be even better if it was a swedish car. Then we'd have a real saab sob story. [ engine revving ] [ applause ] yes, I did! I did! I told you something like this would happen. But oh, no! You know everything about insurance. You're like mutual of brouhaha. Just find me the lodge charter, okay. I got this covered. Ha! You have nothing covered, from the lodge to your own butt. Well, you can't buy butt insurance. Tell them. Go ahead, tell them. Okay, apparently an insurance claim has been launched against the lodge. And you personally. And me personally. For $11,000. We had some kind of barbecuing mishap apparently. Yeah, the lodge propane safety sticker, it expired in 1973. I thought you wanted me to tell this. Well, it's too big a story for just one narrator. So mr. Insurance underwriter is about to become mr. Under arrest. You're gonna need a lawyer. No, I don't! I don't need any more legal mumbo jumbo, dumbo. All I gotta do is find out who's behind this and then I can deal with them. Oh, okay. Dalton: Hey, red! How's the insurance claim coming, huh? You know what, I bet that guy would settle out of court for $10,000. Uh-huh. How would you know that? My lawyer -- um, um, um -- a lawyer. I talked to somebody. You know, I watch "law and order." [ possum squealing ] meeting time! We'll settle this in a minute, dalton. I'll be right down. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I have an insurance claim against me, so I'm liable to do anything, but I'll certainly check your policy first. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down, take your seat. Meeting's coming to order. Everybody sit down. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. Okay, men, I was looking up in the lodge charter on this insurance claim business, and apparently whenever the lodge has a financial problem like this $11,000, each member is personally responsible to pay it. But the way it works is it's pro-rated to your net worth. And the guy with the most net worth around here is dalton. So dalton, you're actually responsible for 95% of the 11 grand. And then there's an additional $1500 for my company to do all the paperwork, so I'm thinking it might be in your best interest to find out who's behind this and make this go away. I'll talk to ann marie. Uh -- I mean, I'll talk to whoever it is. Great. Great. Thank you. Where does it say that? Never mind. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com